Understanding Perfectionism

Perfectionism is often framed as a personality trait, but from a psychology perspective, perfectionism is better understood as a learned pattern of behavior that gets reinforced over time. In other words we keep doing it because, on some level, it works… until it doesn’t.

Perfectionism Is a Behavior, Not an Identity

Cognitive behavioral psychology focuses on what we do, why we do it, and what happens right after. Perfectionism (e.g., overpreparing, avoiding tasks, redoing work repeatedly, or setting impossibly high standards) is a set of actions shaped by consequences.

If you’ve ever thought, “I have to get this right,” it’s likely that somewhere along the way, your brain learned that doing things perfectly led to:

• Praise

• Acceptance

• Good grades or job performance

• Less criticism

• A sense of certainty

• A temporary reduction in anxiety

These outcomes reinforce the behavior, making you more likely to repeat it.

Negative Reinforcement: The Quiet Fuel Behind Perfectionism

Most perfectionistic behaviors are maintained through negative reinforcement, which is the removal of something uncomfortable.

For example:

• Redoing an email removes the anxiety of “What if I sound unprofessional?”

• Overpreparing removes the fear of being judged.

• Procrastinating removes the momentary discomfort of starting something imperfectly.

Even though these strategies bring short-term relief, they strengthen the cycle. The brain learns, “This worked, so do it again.” Over time, the relief gets smaller and the pressure gets bigger.

The Problem: Perfectionism Shrinks Life

While perfectionistic behaviors provide temporary comfort, they also create long-term costs:

• Constant stress and burnout

• Fear of failure or judgment

• Difficulty starting or finishing tasks

• Avoidance of new opportunities

• Low self-worth tied to performance

• Relationships strained by unrealistic expectations

Eventually, the behaviors that once reduced anxiety begin to produce more of it.

Behavioral Patterns That Maintain Perfectionism

Here are some common patterns therapists see:

1. Overchecking and Reassurance-Seeking

Double-, triple-, or quadruple-checking reduces anxiety in the moment, but teaches the brain that checking is necessary to feel safe.

2. All-or-Nothing (Black-and-White) Actions

“I’ll start when I can do it right.”
This leads to procrastination or avoidance, which reduces discomfort instantly but keeps the cycle alive.

3. Overcompensating

Spending excessive time or effort on something brings praise, reinforcing the idea that worth = performance.

4. Self-Criticism as a Motivator

Harsh self-talk may have once worked as motivation, but becomes a rigid habit that erodes self-esteem over time.

How Therapy Helps Break the Cycle

Behavioral approaches (like CBT, ACT, and exposure-based strategies) don’t try to eliminate perfectionism overnight. Instead, they help you change the reinforcement system that’s been driving it. Here’s how:

1. Identify the Behavior Patterns

Breaking perfectionism starts with noticing what you do (like redoing, avoiding, or overthinking) and what emotion or fear shows up right before it.

2. Understand the Consequence Loop

Therapy explores what each behavior is helping you escape or avoid (such as shame, discomfort, or uncertainty) and how those temporary relief moments keep the cycle alive.

3. Build Tolerance for “Good Enough”

Through small behavioral experiments, you learn to do things slightly less perfectly and discover that the feared consequences rarely come true.

4. Replace Criticism With Compassionate Strategies

Instead of motivating through fear, therapy helps you practice behaviors grounded in self-kindness and flexibility.

5. Reduce Avoidance

Gradual exposure to imperfection (like sending an email without rewriting it five times or leaving a task at 80% instead of 100%) helps retrain the brain to handle uncertainty without panic.

The Goal: Flexibility, Not Flawlessness

Therapy doesn’t aim to make you “care less.” If anything, it helps you care in more sustainable ways.

The goal is psychological flexibility:

• Being able to start things even when you feel unsure.

• Letting yourself rest without guilt, or even when you haven’t “earned it.”

• Taking action based on values, not fear.

• Allowing mistakes without spiraling.

Perfectionism is learned, which also means it can be unlearned. With the right support and consistent practice, you can relearn healthier ways to cope, motivate yourself, and step into a life that isn’t ruled by fear of judgment.